give me back my point of view

2010-07-29T01:10:00.002+08:00

how and who do we explain
this to?
what happened to doing it
just because we wanted to?
sometimes i just want to
walk away from their
prying eyes
and soak in my own
absurdity.

2010-06-19T11:49:00.001+08:00

unringing the bell.
undo undo undo undo.

2010-06-17T11:15:00.003+08:00

so this it how it feels.
this is how life works.
this is the unromantic truth
that reality is.
this is how it has to be.
this is it.

2010-06-15T00:02:00.002+08:00

tired of being happy for you,
sometimes i just need
to feel sorry for myself.

2010-05-29T16:22:00.002+08:00

what makes you think
i can breathe,
knowing what i know?
maybe the most tragic
part of it all
is not putting an end,
knowing what we know.
the older i am,
the more i feel im losing
my solid ground,
i hate this fear,
i hate it.

2010-05-27T15:05:00.001+08:00

We tend to fall in love
the same way we get sick;
without wanting to,
without believing it,
against our will
and unable to defend ourselves.
And then we lose love exactly the same way.

2010-05-27T00:46:00.000+08:00

YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE DEGREE OF BACHELOR OF BUSINESS WITH SECOND CLASS HONOURS (UPPER DIVISION) WITH A FIRST SPECIALISATION IN TOURISM AND HOSPITALITY MANAGEMENT

done with school foreverevereverever :D

2010-05-24T21:16:00.003+08:00

maybe somewhere along the way,
i compromised.
after all,
going with the flow
was the only graceful, adult thing
i knew to do.
and sometimes you just want to
lose the momentum,
shake things up a lil bit,
and not take responsibility for it.
you know what we say about
Living in the Moment?
it's bullshite for people like
us with a future time orientation of
more than 3 hours.
there is no such thing as a Moment
without some kind of reverberation
for x period of time.
yeah.

2010-05-23T00:03:00.000+08:00

EVERYBODY LOVES
A QT PIE

2010-05-17T08:47:00.002+08:00

alot of times in life
it's about the
Choice in the Moment.
it is truly what you wanted then,
so there is no room for
regrets or looking back wishing things
were different.
i guess the baggage that comes
with adulthood is the
expectation to be able
to let go and move ahead.
let go and move ahead -
thats some fking cruel wise words.
sometimes its about moving away
from all that pain
and focusing on why it has to
be this way.
i know why it has to be
this way.
i guess somehow we'll heal.

2010-05-04T02:32:00.002+08:00

sometimes i am tired
and sometimes
i just can't handle this dilemma
and sometimes i just want to
sit alone and be very sad :(

2010-04-19T23:22:00.003+08:00

yeah life is bizarre
like that
and i am barely half of
what i claim
to believe in.
well life is such.
LIFE IS SUCH.

2010-04-14T00:37:00.002+08:00

we were young, dumb
and kinda happy right?
adulthood isn't half the fun
with everything going on for realzzz.
so, how are you?

2010-04-12T20:25:00.001+08:00

FINALLY
FINALLY
FI DAMMMIT NALLYYYYYY :D

2010-04-09T21:57:00.002+08:00

i always imagine that one day
i will leave this forever
but some days im more determined
than others.
i guess sometimes you either
focus on the 4% of the time
that you feel better,
or try as hell to believe in
the 96% of the time
you pretend to be better.

2010-03-26T20:45:00.002+08:00

someone shared her story today.
guess we're all just,
breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
when people do the damage they do,
do they even stop for a moment
and wish things were different?
isn't it unfair that they
almost always seem to move on
scot-free?

2010-03-23T11:19:00.000+08:00

this is soooo mad coool

2010-03-23T00:02:00.002+08:00

well i guess
at the very least
you taught me to take all
that heavy stuff in stride,
to have a sense of humour and
to be truly delusional in
everything-will-be-alright-ness.
but do you really think
least is enough????????
we are looking for outlets
not methodology.
hell to solutions i just
want to gripe okkkkk

2010-03-17T23:07:00.004+08:00

i can't believe it too,
i recall being more
intelligent than this.
did we know it was going to
be some sort of destiny-altering zomgness?
this is free freakin' fall,
this is endless unstoppable
powerless uncontrollable
deep darned dive;
ok today someone said we were
5 weeks to graduation.
ok now what, now freakinnn whattttttt

2010-03-15T21:08:00.003+08:00

sometimes its just
this resignation.
this is how it has to be.
this is what i chose and
this is what i must want.
there's no such thing as a
solid ground,
we're all hanging on. :(

2010-03-07T23:50:00.002+08:00

even if i wanted to be
this person for you,
i couldn't.
because, in the end,
i will be the
kind who walks away because
i am afraid.
i was taught to live with
all these fears,
taught to be uncomfortable
with uncertainty,
taught to want all of these,
and im not like you.
i can't be.

2010-03-05T21:06:00.004+08:00

im so scared of
full scale adulthood
i feel like stabbing everyone
who makes anymore indication of
are-you-serious-you-havent-started-job-search
statements
stab you alllllllllll
hahahahaha

2010-03-03T21:53:00.001+08:00

our kind of happy

2010-03-02T23:07:00.001+08:00

i think honest people make
me uncomfortable.
yknow the people who talk freely about
all gory details about their lives
and thoughts etc
maybe part of why is that
i'm just grossly dishonest.
i seek solace in a
lolful and depthless facade
and i never hesitate to walk away
from people who get too curious for comfort.
but anyway,
yes i just wonder why honest people
like to impose their honest content on
unassuming individuals like myself
just seeking mindless and superficial
interactions from most of the world.
ooo zomg they'd believe its good
courtesy to offer to listen to
some of your honesty too.
the world is dangerous like that.

2010-03-02T23:04:00.000+08:00

yeah im sad.

2010-02-25T21:56:00.001+08:00

this is da lovezxz

2010-02-20T21:58:00.002+08:00

tell me, teach me,
coz i really don't get it.

2010-02-16T15:01:00.004+08:00

honestly
the main concept that
CNY reinforces is the
need for adult hypocrisy:
you can bitch about Person X
for the whole year round
and on CNY you
engage in seemingly
cordial conversations with Person X
because ______________

2010-02-16T13:21:00.003+08:00

it must be convenient.
overcompensating for what
you cannot give now by
overpromising the 'next-time's.
in a perfect world,
i could keep my unwavering
skepticism, blame you,
and hold you accountable.
but in our reality,
i know you,
and i know that you
need to do all that to feel better.
maybe you really believe it.
and i guess,
most importantly,
i want to.

2010-02-13T12:47:00.001+08:00

you know what's the truth?
it's that
i can't keep up

2010-02-12T12:17:00.003+08:00

sometimes i think
that all that holds us
together is This.
and yet This tends to fade.
maybe when we were high on This,
we overstated the connection.
in the end,
the tricky part is what to do
after This is over.
the more i'm there
the more distant i know i've become.
somehow i think it has
always gone down like that,
could be me.
must be me.

2010-02-08T21:32:00.006+08:00

i'm better at explaining
logic and events that happen
in character and when im
in the respective personae that
live up
to whatever that's expected of me
by each of my social circles.
or anything
other than this.
i guess i'd better believe
the time-will-tell talk,
otherwise nothing would.
i think i've been here a couple
of times, maybe the difference
now, is that The Rest
truly don't matter anymore
because what i need is mine.

2010-02-06T21:55:00.003+08:00

i know despair
i don't need you to know
i just need you to
accept that
sometimes i will be
despairingly miserable,
and when these sometimes happen
i would like it if you were around.

2010-02-02T22:36:00.003+08:00

sometimes i think
i can't breathe,
then i'd be like
wtf i must be
dramatising this
and then i realise
no this is really how
it sucks,
this is how it really feels.

2010-01-30T19:29:00.004+08:00

i think some time back in
history we had the audacity
to make future plans that
sounded pretty good then.
somehow, when doing that,
we never consider
making buffer for how
things might change down
the timeline.
of course,
we could never imagine how
things could be any different
when things were as great as they
were then.
i guess it gets scary
how these plans
come back to haunt you in present,
while you are coming to terms
with the Change, and
wondering if those plans
still stand, now that
things have changed.
so really, does it?

2010-01-26T10:03:00.003+08:00

i know that sometimes im
just to proud to admit
that people leave me.
when i finally admit it,
they'll be gone and
then i'll
be too proud to want them back.
i guess, that's just how people
are, they leave.

2010-01-19T18:14:00.006+08:00

i wish there was some sort
of structure to do this.
above all, im scared.
im scared because there will be
no help as long as i refuse it.
and im sure there wouldn't be because
i will continue not to seek it.
i'm so scared of what will
and will not happen.
its different being scared at 21.
its not like you are 7
when being scared meant
crying it out loud to
outsource that Inner Terrible Feeling
to someone i.e. mom/dad/other adults.
neither is it fear out of ignorance
anymore.
being adult and scared means you
have exhausted most feasible options
and nothing has worked out.
and you jolly well not be crying it out loud
to people coz they have got their own
Terrible Inner Feelings to deal with too.
mostly
its probably your fault, and
you'd better cope.
im scared, i wish things were different,
i wish i could be braver but i think
ive honestly maxed it already and yet
im still really scared.
im fidgety, afraid and kinda sad.

update: haha happier now im damn lame

2010-01-17T09:09:00.002+08:00

Out in the Cold, Northeastern China!

2010-01-10T08:38:00.003+08:00

i had the best of times this
holiday, kinda like what life should
really be.
we are always chasing the
moments that take our breaths away.
they may take the form of
places, people, things or experiences.
there are places that are beautiful
way beyond imagination,
people who sweep you off your feet,
things that are just too amazing and
surreal experiences that words can never
do justice to.
i think we change a little bit everytime
we internalize them.
but i never really knew how to share or
express them to people
because i never want to reduce these moments
to just brief conversational topics
mentioned in passing.
i guess part of why they are breathtaking
is their transience, our inability to hold
on to these moments.
i don' t know, it could be the growing older,
i think i made some new observations.

1. i used to regard adulttalk as
superficial and somewhat mindless. i wondered
if adults all become this way but
i realised recently that it isn't
that we are all superficial but its just our way
of dealing with the really heavy stuff.

2. i always thought
when it comes to relationships,
they either turn out to be the
Greatest Romance of it All or A Really Bad Decision.
its a thin line, but sometimes the Greatest Romance of it All
takes the form of A Really Bad Decision or vice versa.
i used to consider the End technically like a
Probability Tree.
now i guess there's no probability.
there might not even be an end, there's nothing,
we only have now.
now is the only thing that's real.

so out with the holidays and
into my last academic semester,
where i should be preoccupied with
realworld blah and major brainwork.
i hope i'll be fine.
i thought i might have new perspective
this time but im not sure because
the madness of NTU always throws me
out of my own tempo.
i don't know yet, i plan to be ok.

2009-12-31T20:51:00.002+08:00

wellll we bangkok-ed !
credits 800% to ev photog toe.
soon off to iceage of Harbin zomg -30 degrees
lowest temperature recorded in 43years.
i plan to survive.
happy 2010 yall, can u believe its 2010?
and then about happy,
well i guess this is what happy feels like :)
see yal have fun

2009-12-25T17:47:00.004+08:00

maybe i don't admit this much,
i kinda make this world out to be
this mad warzone where people
actually care enough to screw my life up
and where some higher power out there
bother to devote undivided attention
to plotting my doom.
hahahaha
i know, it gets funny, in retrospect,
because, seriously, nothing happens.
nothing really happens, the world passes by,
i tiptoe forward and that's really it.
xmas service this morning just got me into
a repenting cum thanksgiving mood.
yeah my rare camouflaging within my family
feigning religious for soul-spa at church.
i don't think 2009 turned out too bad.
i think i might even own up to being
somewhat happy.
i grew older, i came to terms with myself
and my world, i am more certain
than ever of the people i want to keep,
i learnt to be ok with last-times, and
i was made to take on the first-times.
well yes i'd always imagine first-times
to be like some sort of earthshattering/
crazy/zomgness but i guess,
they sorta turn out kinda yknow, calm.
yeah i must really chill with that
inner dramatic explosion with every lil
shiz in life because most things turn
out ok, all you need to do is breathe.
so yes maybe im happy.
maybe i have a direction and maybe
that's what i need to stay happy.
and even if it'd be scary to execute it.
but maybe i kinda know.
and maybe someday it'll be ok,
like how life is, somehow it'll turn
out ok and the people who matter would
understand.
so yes,
in the scurry of xmas consumerism
may you have a blessed xmas,
remembering the true meaning behind
this day !

2009-12-22T11:55:00.005+08:00

and so it is

2009-12-20T16:50:00.002+08:00

and i really will.

2009-12-10T08:40:00.001+08:00

i think ive been depending on
google so much to solve
my problems in life that
all i want to do now is to
google: where the f is my camera.

2009-12-07T10:13:00.006+08:00

heartbreakkkkkk
going to the elephant village @ LPQ!

"Mae Boun Nam's beautiful trunk is always in motion: sniffing, feeling and sensing, replacing the use of her eyes. Blind in her right eye for many years, Mae Boun Nam only recently lost vision in her left eye.

Her mahout, Mr. Sao, can be seen bobbing his feet energetically against her body as he guides her along the forest tracks. ("Yes," Mr. Sao admitted. "My legs get very tired! Absolutely!") With his guidance and with the information gathered by her trunk, Mae Boun Nam finds her way through the thickest jungle, and down to the water's edge.

To watch Mae Boun Nam make her way forward is a beautiful thing. Her trunk seems to tap the ground like a blind man's cane, before curling upwards to take stock of the surrounding trees and foliage. If she comes across something tempting, even Mr. Sao's adamant calls and bobbing feet can't get her moving. Mae Boun Nam lives in the moment and takes her treats when they present themselves. Mahout and elephant are are a wonderful sight as Mr. Sao serenades the jungle with traditional Laos songs and Mae Boun Nam sways her head in rhythm with his music.

Sometimes, this lovely elephant can be found resting with her forehead against the trunk of a tree, stealing a power nap between customers. This happens after a night of restless sleep, when the insects keep her awake and set her ears to listening and her mind to wandering."

2009-12-05T10:29:00.003+08:00

ive been waking up from
dreams and feeling so
sorry for myself for them.
damn, am i really this sad?
i guess its weird because in real life
im quite used to being good at coping.
its almost like i have some sort of
social responsibility to be alright.
well i guess these days
i really feel apologetic towards
people because i neither want
to hear good or bad news from them,
i really don't want to hear anything
from anyone hahaha.
i think their personal emotions
pose too much negative externalities
on my personal emotions, esp since
i don't (I THINK) subject them to
that kind of emotional burden.
i guess its kinda selfish and terrible
hopefully it'll just be a phase
because i really would like
to be a Great Person Everyone Loves.

2009-12-02T13:15:00.005+08:00

attempts to hold on to wealth
are futile and tragic.
im currently grieving over my
80 bucks lost to my forgetting of
monday's driving lesson,
just while i am grappling with
inevitable expenditures like the
1XX bucks lost to salvaging my
dying skin and 2XX bucks gone
into fixing ugly hair.
on top of the XXXX bucks that goes into
my travels in dec and jan!!
i think there is quite an urgent
need to engage in some sort of
stable income generating activity
next semester otherwise i will forever
be living in the grief of depreciating
bank balance and impending joblessness.
oh my god scaryz to death. how???

2009-11-30T18:08:00.003+08:00

i think people who open
their lives to public scrutiny
are madly brave.
unimaginable things could happen
somewhere down the timeperiod and
then all that
openness might just blow out of
proportions.
even explanations to the inner circle
will always be subjected,
again, to doubt, disapproval and
further need to justify i.e escalating
into unhealthy feelings for person to person
relationships.
i think the more conservative
policy is to keep it in,
privately implode and talk about it
maybe 30 years later to a random shrink.
people have become more explicit
these days in the asking of questions
and i guess to be socially-appropriate
i will have to devise some sort of socially
appropriate answer that isn't too far off
from reality.

2009-11-24T16:01:00.001+08:00

재범 COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-21T18:02:00.004+08:00

oooo i finally got down to
watch ONCE. its a musical film
so the OST is awesomeeee
and i really really love his
irish accent hahaha.
oh music and the heartbreak of it all.

and zomg need to find somewhere
legal/illegal to watch this: 音樂人生KJ
its film documenting the growing up
years of a HK music child prodigy.
looks sad, dark. sad kid.
feels familiar huh.

2009-11-21T16:28:00.003+08:00

i have no faith.
i don't have the slightest faith
in anything at all.
i mean, ive always known myself to be
a cynic, but i think it was never clear
to me that i didn't have faith.
it was illustrated to me only very recently
when i started driving and
i'd always be overly concerned about
knocking birds over because they always
seem to let the car go so close
before they'd fly away.

but of course
that really is very silly;
Mynas are after all a product of
centuries of Evolution
and i should
know better than to doubt their
natural instinct to dodge oncoming vehicles.

but i do.
i doubt most things;
i doubt religion, i doubt love,
i doubt friends, i doubt project mates,
i doubt CareerFit, i doubt life,
i doubt the music i play, i doubt every
next person i'm subjected to a
conversational situation with,
i doubt wagg the dog (im always convinced
that he's dying soon, since he pukes
at a frightening frequency),
i doubt my laptop (ok this one is not without basis),
i doubt my career prospects,
and for fuck's sakes i even doubt
the bird on the street.

i think it just goes like that.
im just so consumed in my own
lack of faith that my relationships
with people always become somewhat
dysfunctional.

when i was younger, i just found People
so difficult that i became quite
bent on being a pianist or a farmer
or vet or anything thing with minimal
human interaction.
well of course i had no faith in all
these not-very-mainstream dreams as well
and i so i went on to study Business, THM-no less-
the one area with the highest degree of human interaction
you can possibly imagine.

i always say that im a cynic,
but i really kinda always personally
believed i was more of a realist and
that the society's benchmark for cynicism
is just too low,
but i now im not so sure.

2009-11-19T22:34:00.003+08:00

today was rough.
i hope that i can fall
asleep soon so today would end.
we could go back and forth like
that forever and then?
don't do it like its some obligatory
daily quota-compliance shiz in your dammit
template texts, really don't bother.

2009-11-18T23:40:00.001+08:00

party for masta
saengil chukha haeyoooo <3

2009-11-18T17:22:00.004+08:00

ok as a result of evtoe-ness
i've taken to reading strangers' blogs.
maybe pain is all the same?
dark and heavy writing is
cathartic like emo music.
in reality, nobody gets to dunk
their emotional baggages onto one
another like that.
in some morbid way
its good to know you're not the only
one incapable of being
a fully-functioning member
of the 20-something female population.
sometimes i suspect that education
killed us of all of our
emotional instincts so much so
that our judgements base too much
on the cold, hard logical reasonings
that life was never meant to be.
the truth is,
its supposed to be spontaneous,
in the spur of the moment;
it never gives allowances for rationalising.
funny how
we'd better off figuring out strangers'
lives/imagining some sort of non-existent
emotional connection,
than ever fully coming to terms
with this with the real people in our real lives.

2009-11-16T07:16:00.001+08:00

You said it (first)!

Do you want to be my sidedish friend
'Cause I'll miss you if you go for good yeah
We can stay together 'til the very end of time
If it's understood that
I don't want you hanging out with me
But I want you when I call
And we can stay together separately
and we won't be lonely at all

2009-11-14T14:15:00.004+08:00

“ Twenty years from now
you will be more disappointed
by the things that you didn’t do
than by the things that you did do.
So throw off the bow lines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.”

must be your free-spirit, resilience
and your dreams;
can't wait can't wait can't wait :)

2009-11-14T12:44:00.000+08:00

YAYYYYYYY COMINGGGG TO SPOREEEEEEEE!!!!

2009-11-13T07:48:00.002+08:00

hahaaaa sometimes im just so
juvenile and lamexzxzx
all it took to be ok was just that
oooo im lamexzxzxz
anw in an indication of
destined-to-be-tog-ness
KHJ and i :

2009-11-12T01:01:00.003+08:00

everytime i make a transition
in support system
there would be an unreserved tendency
to pour everything into it;
i wish i had a better contigency plan,
so at least i can believe that it'll work.
so many things crumble,
i don't see why this wouldn't.

2009-11-08T17:15:00.001+08:00

there is no level playing field,
there is never.

2009-11-07T09:37:00.000+08:00

그립고
그립고
그립다

2009-11-04T19:15:00.005+08:00

in life,
only 3 things give you the upperhand:
good solid Power, an obscene lot of Money
or drop dead killer Looks.
everything else like Kindness, Ethics etc
almost never manage to work as well.
ive never wanted to fully believe this but
school and society always reinforces it.
all that about inner blah are perhaps
nothing more than consolations handed out by
fellow helpless, poor and ugly people.

the truth is brutal like that;
but the way it works is that the
adult tries to buffer it down for the kid,
kid believes it, kid finds out it isn't true,
kid screws up, kid is resigned,
kids becomes adult, kid perpetuates the very
mainstream social ideas that screwed kid up.

this is never an issue of justice/injustice.
justice/injustice can never be an issue.
it is a state, a condition, a status quo.
you can challenge it but you will never
really shake it up.
whatever circumstances we find ourselves in,
someone will always be in a better place,
and someone else will always be worse off.

sometimes its funny how rich kids
tell me about how this and this is frivolous
and meaningless and blah when
you and i are frivolous as can be, and
who really cares about meaning or whatever that means.
you can dwell on "meaning" deep into the night at 2.34am
when you are not subjected to societal expectations
in a social setting, but
seriously, how often can you carry forward
these Deep Thoughts into the next morning?

as we grow older
we meet people from all kinds of backgrounds
and then as bizarre as their lives may seem
to us, somehow or rather, maybe you
become friends, and then you get
sucked into this crazy need to keep up.

i hate to harp on this again but i really
have to point out that life is like the
darned journey from NTU back home.
you could be richer and have a car home,
rich enough to take the 179 bus
or not so rich that you have/want to take
the free shuttle bus out.
people in the cars will never see or know
the refugee-like dog-eat-dog queue-cutting
conditions that shuttle bus people find
themselves in everyday.
shuttle bus people will never know
the secret hidden suffering ( not that i know what)
that car people might argue they have.

we'll never know, but this is
the world, and this is it.

2009-11-04T15:47:00.001+08:00

oh since it turned out
kinda cool:
http://momentsunveiled.blogspot.com/

2009-11-01T21:50:00.002+08:00

somedays i mistake my naivety
for something else.
its days like these
that i manage to
believe that the stars aligned nicely
and that maybe all these happened for me.
then, amidst my prolonged High,
im doing abysmally at being a fully functional
person to anyone.
i am afraid off both leaning on and
being leaned on.
as we grow older, it all becomes more
apparent.
friends track each others' lives and share
whatever is it that they need to share.
i count excessively on accidental information
spillages and minding my own darned business.
my default worstcase scenario mode
will conjure all types of future implications
of excessive information exchange.
the truth is that im braver in theory
than in practical.
i can write and say all kinds of faraway,
ambiguous Should Dos,
but in the end,
all i am is afraid.
the only comfort i ever take is in distances.

2009-10-23T05:45:00.008+08:00

이제 다시
사랑 안해
말하는 난
너와 같은 사람
다시 만날수가
없어서
사랑할수 없어서
바보처럼
사랑 안해
말하는 널
사랑한다
나를 잊길 바래
나를 지워줘

2009-10-21T18:28:00.002+08:00

everyday i feel nothing but
a great need to just die
ok i dont mean it suicidal-ly.
i wish i could be carefree like those
conveniently apathetic,
irresponsible, selfish, thick-skinned,
self-glorifying lil shites lurking
around me these days.
i worry 473% more than they do
and yet all i'll ever get in return
is just a shortened life span and
a really pathetic, worry-strickened life.
and then that.
i just feel too sorry for myself
hoho guess if you knew you would too.

2009-10-18T21:36:00.003+08:00

wish my hands would stop
degenerating; need to
play the sad good -
opus 62 no.2 nocturne in E

2009-10-18T16:11:00.002+08:00

21 for XYY

hello
hell week
hell hole
hell hell hell !!!

2009-10-17T10:40:00.005+08:00

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Vance: [reading one of Tom's cards]
Roses are red, violets are blue... fuck you whore.

oh take a bite of reality,
the sobering truths about
modern romance:
500 days of summer!

2009-10-15T22:17:00.011+08:00

can't, not today.
every day else i will grace the world
with my rationality and courage
but today i just want to shut down
and just indulge in Very Sad.
i just want to quit it all and
fall comfortably into mediocrity,
i just want to be ok
but what the hell,
tomorrow will be the same anyway.
and the day after, the same darned story
will run over and over.
it's hard, it's all hard.
in my mind, all i want are THESE
but it's hard, it's always hard.
in this moment
i can be the hopeless wuss that i secretly am
and when tomorrow comes its back to
work and i will need to be better.
which i will be. the recovery mechanism
always kicks in dutifully, so everythg feels
better the next day until The Feeling
attacks you again.
its more convenient to be privately tired,
privately affected, privately unable to cope
and privately wondering why
there's so little that i love that
i can ever afford to have.
when im sad i need to sleep to not think
but the reality of life is that i have
AB311 to do and thats the only thing that
is real. sadness is not real.

2009-10-14T21:01:00.002+08:00

it might be unusual you
or the sob story or
the heartwrench or
the idea of it all or something.
oh look what you've done
you made a fool of everyone.

2009-10-11T17:48:00.002+08:00

Ba da da ba da...
Let's pack our bags
and lie on the easy stream
feel the water on our backs
where we can carry on dreamin'
where we can finally
be where we'd like to be
Darlin', just you and me

2009-10-07T23:09:00.002+08:00

about 2/10 these days :(
welcome to self/mutual destruction again.
drove for the first time today
i feel like an adult.

2009-10-06T19:41:00.000+08:00

you lose all bargaining power when _________

2009-10-05T22:11:00.000+08:00

2NE1 #12938 :)

2009-10-04T20:11:00.002+08:00

JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST:
I HATE YOUR FREAKIN SLOPPY LOUSY WORK ARGH.

2009-10-04T17:25:00.002+08:00

urg so much bad news these days
all the terrible disasters and blah
going on everywhere now is probably an
indication of the impending
End of the World.
so according to the holy ones at home
everything on the Bible is coming true
and if all goes according to plan
God is coming to judge us soon and
like some zomg Noah's Ark II will happen.
ok ok ok so maybe you're like me
and you have on a tight schedule
to get religious like asap.
yes yes yes pls pls pls.
in the shizzy world like
this we have happy babies

2009-10-03T00:21:00.003+08:00

twentyone and the boomz.

2009-09-26T07:48:00.005+08:00

you know how if you reach
the optimal level of silliness
you'd be cute,
and once beyond that you're
just too freakin embarrassing.

미워도 사랑하니까 아파도 사랑하니까
너는 내 남자이니까 니가 날 안아줘야 해
모든 걸 다 알면서도 속고 또 속아주는게
여자의 마음인 걸 모르니
아파도 사랑하니까
미워도 사랑하니까

2009-09-25T08:14:00.001+08:00

THANKS THANKS THANKS HAHAHA
OOOLD FRIENDS FOREVER

2009-09-23T21:41:00.003+08:00

today is major ____
maybe tomorrow will be better?

2009-09-22T00:23:00.003+08:00

someday we need to come to
terms with
what we want, what we shouldn't want,
what we have, what we can't have,
what we need, what we can't afford to need;
you can't be all the great
things that you see everyday,
and you most definitely cannot have
all the great things you know
people have,
so surely life cannot be about getting all
of those but coming to terms
that that's that.

2009-09-20T17:27:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA THANKS.

2009-09-18T08:28:00.003+08:00

its funny because
in my head, i think and i know
that enough is enough.
but then somewhere along the way
of outward expression,
this rationality just gets warped.
mayb it'd be nice if i were
half as resolute as what my
consciousness is.
even tho we have no need to
answer to the world,
it is all sad because even i
sometimes perpetuate this
judging of random people just
wanting to lead normal private lives.
it is a common social activity
for clusters of people to dig thru
your lil internal environment
and ridicule you for being ___.
so yes, i wish i saw it as simply
as you do.
i mean, it becomes almost educational
how simply you put it, it almost
makes me want to believe it.
somehow Happiness and Freedom
are too mutually exclusive in
the context of my life for them
to ever seriously happen, you know,
like simultaneously.

2009-09-18T00:07:00.004+08:00

owell yes when it comes to people,
the real deal is always hard to come by
when you are kinda odd, somewhat reclusive,
ever-sceptical about everyone's lil hidden agendas
and to top it up, not on Facebook.
i guess i can only be secretly glad for
bezzzfriendforfreakinlife van-aw1988
for being the one person whom i can
finally not talk superficial random blah with,
and about the things that really matter;
travel, music, aspirations, the world,
life, people, and the lols...
and for adopting the anti-social lifestyle that
i could only wish for from afar hahaha.
the moral of the story is,
when you're weird, find someone weirder.
i guess when you get old,
you just stop building quality relationships
with people becoz you just want to roll your
eyes ever too often.
so yes children if you're reading this,
look around you:
this is all the friends you'll ever have,
YES YES STARTING CRYING NOW HAHAHA

2009-09-11T13:07:00.000+08:00

I LOVE ELLEN HAHAHAHAHAHAH
some of us will never ever ever
be one of those cookiecutter graduates
that NTU could use as promotional materials
for their recruitment brochures
but no matter what School tells us
about what we should want to be
this is our life
and we can be anything we want to be.

2009-09-10T01:48:00.005+08:00

i think this must be one
of the most haunting songs everrr,
scenes of the big romantic mess that
Grey's is comes flashing by and
switches me into my
cancel the world out mode.
i get worried by how comfortable
i am in this mode and how unwilling i
can get to switch out of this mode.
i wish i'd sorted things out by now.
i hope one day it'll all fall into place,
and we'll look back on our silly selves.
i know im not one of those whose lives
get sorted out, but meanwhile,
i think i'll just look at it as it burns?
i am full of fluff and all that im ever
good at with people are the mindless
superficials and the lols,
just to try to overcompensate for how
im scared to death of depth and substance
because they bare all my frailties naked.
so i'm both thankful and perplexed
by how things flowed because
we started on unusual ground.
distance and ambiguity keeps me safe
but the world likes to snap you out and
into reality.
im not good at this but i want to be
so lets see how this will be.

2009-09-07T20:16:00.001+08:00

i have an alter ego
she inserts emoticons in texts
and she sounds compulsively
enthusiastic,
her grammatically-sound,
carefully-structured sentences are
puncutated - no less -
and reeking of all the love,
hope and shiz in the world.
yes for reallzxzxz
the things we do for survival
and our desperate struggle for
normalcy.
dunch judgexzx herzx.

2009-09-05T22:43:00.002+08:00

its not like you
could reverse engineer it just
to satisfy your dying curiosity
without first tearing it down thoroughly.
cruel shiz.

2009-09-04T21:56:00.000+08:00

can't explain you,
better i don't.

2009-08-29T23:35:00.000+08:00

talk is cheap,
that's why its so easy
to say things that make
Believing so tempting.
i just don't want to imagine
the day we need to put things
in perspective for freakinnn real.

2009-08-26T21:30:00.001+08:00

in my mind,
i am this rational, logical,
somewhat normal person
and then i'd find myself
doing and saying things that
seem to suggest otherwise.
while im pretty convinced
most of the time,
that im doing ok at
managing the freak in me,
sometimes things get bizarre
and i voluntarily
make crazy decisions that even i can
tell are mistakes.
i guess its all sad:
i look at those Great, Wholesome people
i meet everyday.
and i can't imagine
how i'm ever supposed to be running
in this same damn
freakinnnn league.

2009-08-22T10:40:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAH MISS THE TRAVELLIN' DAYSZXZX
SCHOOL'S IN FUN'S OUT !!!!

2009-08-21T14:09:00.002+08:00

yesterday,
we talked about
the functionality of friends.

as kids
we cultivated the unhealthy activity of
ranking, categorizing and labelling people,
in the form of the "Friends" section of
our Autograph book entries.

then, we grew up,
the activity became a little more
refined, more graceful.
we moved from putting things down in
black and white to
making mental notes of who
were insiders and who weren't,
we went out of the way to
stay in exclusive circles and cliques.

these days
i try not to get
excessively hung up
on conducting post-mortems with
my encounters with people.
every social circle that i have serves
a pretty different purpose in my social life.
its not really meaningful to impose
your expectations of Issue X on circles
that were never meant to function as
support systems
for Issue X.

i never quite believed that
anyone would be capable of functioning
fully as your default
support system for ALL aspects of
your life.
firstly because the lack of
diversification is always risky -
a breakdown in one system shouldn't suddenly
cripple your ability to survive.
and secondly because even the most
empathetic of people can never fully grasp
every single emotion that you experience or
understand the things that they were never a part of.

in the end
all we really need are
the major LOLs and a seriously good
playlist on the player.

2009-08-20T07:48:00.002+08:00

in the rare seriousness
i said it
this is all we have
we can only pretend to escape it

2009-08-17T22:08:00.000+08:00

i spend about 74% of my life
being ridiculous
its not even healthy
for my ego to discuss it.

2009-08-16T01:10:00.002+08:00

if i had half your optimism,
maybe then i would be half less
cynical about what i know we
can't afford to want.

2009-08-16T00:54:00.000+08:00

Redang:
zomg clear blue water,
almost turquoise in some parts,
silky soft sand,
it was scorching but the skies were
picture-perfect pretty.
swimming in,
marinelife, corals, comfortably-chilly water
and not-so-comfortable snorkeling gear.
real photos from evtoe's procam
someday soon.

2009-08-12T20:02:00.004+08:00

CLICK:FREAKINN $$$$ TO WORLDVISION-TW NOW!

nature takes charge,
people thrown around like
liveless ragdolls,
landscapes change,
people lose people,
and suddenly everything is gone:
we are silly and frivolous,
and sometimes the world is
just so sad.

2009-08-10T10:27:00.002+08:00

(((WATCH 새드무비 HERE)))
ok that was some intense
wallowing-in-selfpity session/
mass endorphine-rush:
Sad Movie (새드무비)-
sufficiently tear-inducing but not
excessively soppy